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The HMMS... slaying Sues since 1996!

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Hello~ [July 29th, 2007 at 12:48 pm]
The HMMS... slaying Sues since 1996!

hm_marysues

[hikari_26]
Hello! I've been lurking around this place for a while and now I'm a member! :) I'll try my best to help with the Sue-slaying.

Story Or Series Title: Starting Over
Culprit Author's Name: HmGirly12

Full Name (plus titles if any): "Miss Jill Smith" How original.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Assumed blonde.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Assumed blue.
Describe Mary-Sue:  A city-girl who's trying to get used to farm life and owns some makeup.

Annoying Origin: She has makeup and a mobile phone. Almost certain it's the city.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Gray starts falling for her after one conversation. And in one day, she already made enemies with Popuri, Mary, and Karen.
Other Annoying Traits: "Jill racked her brain for something to say. Anything! 'Uh, I did Japanese in year nine!'"

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:
A rooster crowed somewhere in the distance and Jill awoke with a start, wondering what the hell just woke her up. After living in the city her whole life, the sounds of regular barnyard animals were as foreign to her as the revving of a car to most people in Mineral Town. She glanced at her wristwatch and groaned. 6am?!? She'd gone to bed at 6am when she lived in the city! (Well, get used to it.) She heard a sharp knocking on her door and her mouth dropped open. Who could be knocking in the middle of the night? (Middle of the night?) She slowly climbed out of bed, forgetting that she was in her PJ's, with makeup smeared all over her face and un-brushed hair, and opened the door.

"Gah!!" cried a tubby man dressed in red. "I mean, uh... Good morning!!" Jill gave him a look. "Morning?" she asked. The man in red laughed.

"Ah, you city people are funny ones." Jill opened her mouth to intervene, but the man continued. "Well, I am Mayor Thomas. I'm the Mayor."

"Duh" (Hmm. Dumb and dumber.)

"And I am here to both welcome you to the village and give you a few pointers on how to run your farm." Jill glanced behind him at the field overrun with weeds, sticks and stones. And the ocassional boulder or tree stump. She winced. "So it wasn't a nightmare." The Mayor ignored her and led off into a long spiel on everything to do with farming, while Jill stared at him blankly. He looked a bit like Santa Claus, she decided, as he finished off his speech. "...Sheep and cows. And just in case you need me, You'll find my house in Northern Mineral Town. Understand?" Jill nodded hesitantly. Mayor Thomas laughed. "You'll learn, you'll learn. But you should go take a look around town. Meet some people, make some friends, whatever you want. Have fun!" He gave a funny half-bow and left. He nodded as he crossed a large man who was just entering the gate. As the man came closer to Jill, she whistled to herself. Tanned, buff... a bit old for her unfortunately. Nevertheless, she turned on the charm and gave him a flirty smile. (MS pulls her charms.) He seemed to take a step back once he got a good look at her. Only then did Jill become aware of her frightening appearance. She screamed and ducked back into her house, and looked around for the mirror she didn't own. She decided to improvise and looked at the back of her good-for-nothing, unreceptive mobile phone. She threw her hair back into a ponytail and wiped off the makeup. The nighty would have to stay, she hadn't unpacked her clothes yet. She ran back over to the door and threw it open.

"Much better." the man told her with a teasing smile. Jill blushed and looked at him curiously. He looked like a surfie... "My name's Zack, I'm in charge of the shipping in Mineral Town. Here..." he led her over to a box next to her field and explained the basics of shipping things. "Can I ship, like, anything I want?" she asked hopefully, her eyes wandering to the mess on her yard. Zack shook his head. "Nope. No flowers, weeds, branches, tools, animals... but you know, mostly whatever. You can find stuff to ship in the mountains if you're a bit strapped for cash at the moment. And that's pretty much it!" He gave her a toothy smile. "It's pretty easy really. I'll see ya later!" And he turned and walked out of the gate.

She had checked in six suitcases to be transported from her apartment to here. So why the hell was there only one?? Argh!! She kicked the wall and yelled at the throbbing of her foot. "Gosh darn it!" She opened the suitcase. Thank god it had clothes in it. Not very nice clothes, maybe, but comfy, six pairs of different coloured overalls. And her hair stuff, and a teeny tiny bit of makeup. And a tin of tomato soup...? Jill wasn't the most organised packer. She pulled on a pair of blue overalls, brushed her hair and headed out the door. This place was looking pretty lame so far, but she had to try. And you never know. Maybe there'd be a cute country guy or two!! (<-- Annoyed me most of all.)


I'll include the worst of Ch. 2, just for torture.

"Blacksmith... I read about those in that book I did for year twelve... don't they make horseshoes and stuff?" (O rly?)

On the other side of the blacksmith's door, Gray stood with a smile on his face. Jill was awfully pretty, and although she might be a little strange, she was from the city, like him! But why did he have to be so shy? She must have thought he was an idiot... He walked over to where a tool was waiting to be upgraded, and as he got to work, he realised that he couldn't wait to see her again. (One small conversation and he's head over heels.)

"Uh, hi I'm Jill!" Jill stuttered, terrified of the chicken she was holding.

"Ohh, you're the new girl over at Harvest farm huh? Nice to meet you!"

"Same here!" Jill replied.

"So," continued Popuri. "Do you like chickens, Jill?"

"Um, no I don't. I'm kind of scared of them" Popuri's face went bright red.

"But why not? They're so cute! Then what are you even doing here? It's a chicken farm after all, full of chickens that you hate, right? Sorry to make you touch a chicken! Ugh! Let's go home now chicken." She gave me an evil glare, grabbed the chicken and walked off. "No, Popuri, listen, I didn't mean...!" Jill called. "Geez these people are psycho!" (Coming from a person who talks to herself.)

--------

"Stop, stop!" cried Jill. She had been following Rick around for hours meeting people, steadily lagging further and further behind him, until she couldn't go on. Rick looked behind in a panic. "Oh my gosh! Jill, are you okay?! Can I get you water? Oh, we should get you to the clinic!"

"No no, chill, Rick I'm okay, just tired from walking so much." He looked at her, confused. "Walking so much? You must be a real city girl... how come you're so thin if you don't walk a lot?"

"It's called a gym! Duh!" she glared at him.

"Who's Jim?" Rick replied. (Poor Rick.)

"Ahh! Never mind. I'm good now, lets keep going. So who've I met so far?"

"Duke, Manna, Gray and Popuri, my mother..."

"What was her name again?"

"Lillia. Then there's Doug and Ann..."

"Who?"

"The ones in the inn! Gosh Jill, you have a shocking memory. Okay, we just met Anna and Basil, now we'll go to the library and meet their daughter Mary." Jill followed Rick, expecting a long walk, and was surprised when he made a sharp turn after only a few steps. "What the?!?"

"Quiet!" Rick warned her. "Haven't you ever heard to be quiet in a library?"

"I've never been in a library," Jill replied. "I don't like books." (How educated you are.) Rick rolled his eyes and pushed open the door.

Jill stepped into the room. It was fairly small, compared to what she'd expected a library to be like. Two people were examining a book with their backs to the door, and when they turned, Jill gave a small cry of surprise. "Gray? Hi!" she exclaimed. He simply nodded to her. The girl next to Gray narrowed her eyes, behind her thick glasses. "Who is she Gray?" she asked, "And how does she know you?" Jill stepped in. "You must be Mary. My name's Jill, I'm the owner of Harvest Farm!" she finished this statement with a big grin. Mary looked her up and down snobbily. "Charmed." she replied. (Why did you have to take Mary too. Why... D:) Rick turned to leave, but Jill grabbed his arm. "Wait!" she insisted. "I just wanted to check something out." She turned to Mary. "Do you have, oh, say, an English to Japanese dictionary?" Mary wordlessly pulled a book from the shelf behind her and handed it to Jill. "Hmm... categories... there's so many, how about I just pick... animals! Okay, cow in English is ushi in Japanese... sheep is... muton? Oh, it's like mutton! Ha! okay, um, how about horse? horse is... uma! Okay, this is good!" Jill snuck a look at Gray, his face pale and clammy. "Thank you for your assistance, Mary!" She handed the book back to the confused librarian. "Let's go, Rick! Bye Gray..."

"What was that?" asked Rick as they stood outside the library. "Never mind!" giggled Jill. "So, who else can we meet?"

Rick was laughing hysterically as they passed the supermarket. "Jill! You're so funny!" Jill smiled.

"I honestly don't get what's so funny about a hair straightening iron! Have you seriously never heard of one before?" she asked.

"No I haven't... a...a...an iron for your hair! Ha ha ha!!!" (I feel really sorry for sweet Rick who has been made into a complete moron.)

"RICK!" Jill and Rick both jumped about a foot at the sound of his name being yelled. They both turned to look at a beautiful girl with long blonde hair and green eyes. "K-K-Karen!" stuttered Rick. "What's wrong?"

Karen flipped her hair over one shoulder and gave him the evil eye. "Why are you hanging around outside making an idiot of yourself with some blonde s -" she stopped herself from completing her sentence, realising she didn't even know the girl standing with Rick. Jill gave her a look. "Excuse me? EXCUSE ME?" Jill yelled. "A blonde what exactly? What were you about to call me?" She stood with her arms folded. Karen smirked. "Honey, I used to live in the city when I was younger, and do you know what we called girls who hang out with other people's boyfriends? We called them..."

"KAREN DON'T YOU DARE!" Rick screamed. "She didn't know I was dating you, I hadn't gotten around to telling her yet."

"Karen?" said Jill "I lived in the city just yesterday, and I had a great life because the people who used that kind of language were the ones I wanted nothing to do with. Poor Rick. I pity him, dating a girl who can't even be courteous to a stranger..." Karen stared at her. "If you had such a great life, then why did you leave to come to this place?" she asked. Jill looked at her, tears welling up in her eyes. "None of your damn business" she replied. She turned to Rick. "I'm going home, I'll see you later." And she turned and walked away, to the sound of Rick and Karen bickering behind her. (Aww~ MS wangst.)

linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: keira_magdalena
2007-07-29 11:40 pm (UTC)
Hey, Hikari! :] Thanks for making a post! You found a good one. I think I might have read this one before but I forgot to put in on here. Thanks! Haha. Anyway, onto my little rant/comment:

I just love how the author throws in the random Japanese fact. No Mary-Sue is complete without pseudo-Japanese knowledge.

Mary-Sue also seems to be quite the intellect:

"Blacksmith... I read about those in that book I did for year twelve... don't they make horseshoes and stuff?" (O rly?)

No, Mary-Sue, they make robots. *rolls eyes*

I also hate how they portray Rick as an idiot. And Popuri flipping out over Claire's dislike of chickens was really OOC and totally unnecessary. But you're right about how annoying that "Maybe there'd be a cute country guy or two!!" quote - I think I lost some brain cells reading it. o__X
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[User Picture]From: rhianwen_24601
2007-07-31 05:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, GAWD, I remember this one. I saw the summary, and I didn't dare. Turns out, I wasn't missing much. O.o

Still not reading it; could the summary have possibly made her, author and character, sound MORE freaking obnoxious? Well, I guess maybe, if they'd stated that Ms. Sue is also related to Carrot Top, and totally shares his sense of humour...
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[User Picture]From: keira_magdalena
2007-07-31 06:40 pm (UTC)
Wow. *just read the summary* I don't blame you for not reading it. Seriously, what the hell? "Teh guyz r liek so hawt but da grrlz dey be hatin' on me"? First of all, that's not even interesting, second of all, just the summary by itself has "Mary-Sue" in big green and red neon letters plastered all over it.
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[User Picture]From: rhianwen_24601
2007-07-31 09:46 pm (UTC)
Heh...yeah, it's difficult to get that perfect blend of dull and offensive all in one excruciating sentence, but this lady pulls it off.

"All the guys love me because I'm just that damn amazing! If I met your boyfriend? He'd fall in love with me, and you'd rot away alone for the rest of your life, because if you ever got a new boyfriend, he'd fall in love with me too! Alone, alone, alone, just like the girls in Mineral Town; did I mention that they all hate me because they're jealous ho-bags despite being sweet and helpful in canon? See? I'm so awesome, I have the power to make EVERYONE AROUND ME OOC!"

Okay, so that's not really a sentence, as such. But that's just 'cause I don't have Thah Powah. It takes me a couple sentences to be that dullnoxious. ^^;;
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From: quinatorte
2008-02-17 11:13 am (UTC)
How charming. Rick's mentally retarded. Is there a gas leak at Chicken Lil's or something?

I can't envision a snobby Mary for the life of me. Being snobby requires a backbone, for starters.

So, Karen, Mary, and Popuri hate her right off the bat. I can only guess what happens next: Ann feels threatened by her breasts and Elli tries to sew her legs shut.
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[User Picture]From: rhianwen_24601
2008-02-28 07:10 pm (UTC)
...and Elli tries to sew her legs shut.

*sporfles*

Maybe that's a good idea, if good ol' Jilly Sue ever hopes to get any farming done.
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From: (Anonymous)
2008-08-21 10:57 am (UTC)

Hmm...

I know that the start of that story is... pretty darn bad. But guys, I'm in contact with the writer (not personally, through private messaging) and... she was twelve when she started writing it. She's horrified now, at what she's written... if you tried to read the later chapters, you'd see why it's one of the most popular Harvest Moon fics on there now. She's improved incredibly.
I'm pretty sure she's rewriting. God knows she needs to. But while you're on here, pulling stories to pieces... can you imagine a twelve year old reading that about her first writing attempt? You might be adults - and should probably know better than to bitch and moan on the internet - but I'm willing to bet that you haven't realized, a lot of writers on FF.net are just kids.
I don't know. Maybe it doesn't even matter. But I don't think that a twelve year old reading things like that about themselves can do wonders for anybody, in terms of self-esteem.
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[User Picture]From: keira_magdalena
2008-09-15 04:16 am (UTC)

Re: Hmm...

I understand your point, and I completely understand what it's like to have your story flamed/put down (I've had my share of flamers from time to time and I've been a HM fanfic writer since I was eleven), but our purpose at this website is not to insult the writers. (Rule 2 of our community: "...when updating with a Mary-Sue fanfic, RESPECT THE WRITERS. You can go ahead and bash the fanfic all you like - that's what this place is for - but you must never attack a writer specifically.") If you look around at some of the entries posted, many of the members here - myself included - have put their own fanfics up here. Both of my stories which are up here, Shelly's World and Cinderelli, were written by me when I was twelve. And the stories that are up here are not up here because they are BAD, but because they're Mary-Sues. There are quite a few fanfics up here which are actually well-written, including this one, but because they are Mary-Sues, they are displayed on this website.

I apologize if HMGirly12's feelings have been hurt, but know that none of the members here have anything against her and are not trying to personally attack her.

Thank you for for being mature and civil with your comment, BTW.
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