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Bashing My Own Fic. Again. [August 3rd, 2007 at 12:02 pm]
The HMMS... slaying Sues since 1996!

hm_marysues

[keira_magdalena]
Story Or Series Title: CinderElli.
Culprit Author's Name: Fairy Friend (aka, myself).

Full Name (plus titles if any): Elli.
Hair Color (include adjectives): Brown, you all know Elli.
Eye Color (include adjectives): Brown.
Describe Mary-Sue: It's Elli, from Harvest Moon 64, and Jack Harvest, the farmer from said game. However, as far as Mary-Sues or Gary-Stus are concerned, Elli is definitely the lesser of two evils. She may not be your typical blonde-haired, blue-eyed whore, but he's got every girl in town swooning over her. She works at the bakery with her boyfriend, Jeff, and her grandmother, Ellen. Jack runs a farm... quite handsomely, if I might add. However, things at the bakery aren't so good... because Karen, the village bitch, steps in and starts ordering around. Eventually, poor, emo Elli can't take all the stress and she goes into her room to cry. Her life seems to take on somewhat of a "Cinderella" role, with Karen as the "evil stepsister", and newcomer Jack Harvest as the prince. Jack just continues to farm.... *swoon*

Annoying Origin: Mineral Village.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Elli's Jeff's girlfriend, but later on, she sees Jack.
Other Annoying Traits: Elli's not far behind from Karen on the bitch-o-meter.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:


"What, do I look like Cinderella to you?" I shouted. "Why don't you make your own dang cake if you don't appreciate my food! You should be glad I'm even bothering to waste my time making a cake for you!"

Karen looked at me for a minute, then she slapped on a happy face, and roared with laughter. "Cinderelli!" She shrieked. "Cinderelli, Cinderelli, Cinderelli!" Her finger was pointed at my face as she continued her chant, taunting me. I felt hot tears brimming in my eyes, and I ran right to my room.

"Little Elli, wait!" Jeff shouted. "You still have customers to attend to!"

"Forget the customers! What good have they ever done for me?" I screamed, slamming the door behind me. I slumped onto my bedroom, kicking my feet and shouting into my pillow. After a few minutes, I got up and looked into my mirror. My face was red, my hair frizzy, and my face tear-stained. "Why can't I be free like everyone else?" I said aloud to myself. "It's not fair… it's just not fair."





"And you're in your pajamas too. Sometimes I wonder why your bakery gets much business at all." She slammed her hand on the table in front of my face, which caused me to jump. "I want a glass of tea."

"Right away, mistress," I bantered, walking to the kitchen.





"Hello, Pastor," I said wistfully.

"Good morning, Elli," he said, looking up from the podium. "How is life?"

"Not too good. Karen's in her mood today, and I heard some rumor about a farmer."

"Ah, so I see. Come, have a seat." Pastor Brown sat down on the organ's bench and motioned me to sit down. I did. "Tell me about this farmer."

"I don't know anything about him, Pastor."

He pushed his glasses up onto his nose. I sniffed. The room was silent. "Well," he finally began, "I asked because I told Popuri and Ann not to tell anybody about the farmer coming over tomorrow. He's going to take over the deceased man's farm."

"Popuri also said something about a ball," I stated.

"A ball? Has she gone out of her mind?" Pastor Brown almost shouted. I could tell he was appalled. "That's the last time I tell Popuri a secret!" He began to play a song on the organ. "Dear Goddess! This work of art you call Earth is slowly tilting on its axis and spinning in the opposite direction! Pray with me, young Elli!"

I slowly sunk my head into my hands. Not to pray, but to complain. When he finished his masterpiece, I looked up. "You can't make this easy, can you?" I mumbled.

"Nothing is easy! You will come across many challenges and many opponents in your life. You must fight for your rights!" He praised, throwing his hands into the air.

"Just forget it," I lashed at the bipolar man, walking out of the church and back into the bakery.





"The boat's here, everyone!" the Mayor announced. Everyone started applauding. A rather large ship sailed slowly to Flower Bud's shore. Everyone awaited the arrival of the boy. When the ship finally came to a complete stop, we all had to wait a few minutes before we finally saw a cute young man start walking toward us. He carried two briefcases, and he looked as if he were struggling. The Mayor trotted over to the farmer.

"I'll take your briefcases to the farm for you," he insisted. The young farmer looked glad to finally have gotten rid of the heavy bags as he walked past us all. Everyone applauded again. I kept my eye on the boy until I could see nothing of him, then turned to Jeff.





Back in my room, I thought of the farmer. Maybe he liked cakes. He could possibly like drinking tea or milk. Is he a good farmer? All these thoughts raced through my mind. Then the big one popped in:

Is there such a thing as love at first sight?





"Oh, Elli, he’s wonderful!" she remarked, throwing her arms over my neck.

"Who’s wonderful?" I asked.

"Jack!"

"Who’s Jack?"

"Remember the farmer that came over about three hours ago? Well, he and the Mayor were taking a quick little tour, and he passed by our Florist Shop. He seems like such a really nice guy!"


As I almost literally spun around in circles’ trying to find out which direction the farm was I stepped on something hard and fell flat on my face. Apparently, I had stepped on someone’s foot because I heard another yell after mine, and then a lot of weight was put on my back. As soon as the weight was off, I rolled over and looked up. It was the farmer! He was holding out his hand.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I’m fine." I grabbed onto his hand, blushing madly, and he helped me up. "Sorry about that. You must think I’m a total idiot, falling flat on my face like that."

"Not at all. Besides, I fell too." We shook hands. "I’m Jack Harvest."

"So I’ve heard," I replied. "I’m Elli Baker. Pleasure to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," he said. Harris, the postman passed by. I waved to him.

"Well, I’d better be leaving now," Jack said, looking at his watch. "It’s already three o’ clock."

"Alright, see you later," I said with a quick smile.
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Comments:
From: quinatorte
2008-02-17 09:30 am (UTC)
Hearing wedding bells and belching hearts over a guy she knows all of nothing about aside from "I'd hit that" and "He farms"?

Oh, Elli. Shame, shame.

(We all have skeletons in our fanfic closets. At least you have the upper hand in that unlike most past/present Mary Sue writers, you actually type well.)
(Reply) (Thread)
From: (Anonymous)
2008-04-21 05:28 am (UTC)
You know what the title reminds me of?
*singing* CInderlly, Cinderelly, night and day it's 'Cinderelly...'"
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: keira_magdalena
2008-09-15 04:18 am (UTC)
That's actually the tune that made me think of the title and the idea for the fanfic. :]
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)